I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
