When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
