If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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