Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Randomize
