my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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