Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
