I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
