a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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