I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
