here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
