She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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