Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
