Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
