my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
