Your dad touched me again.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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