Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
