We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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