I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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