He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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