Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize