god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
