Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
