Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
