; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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