i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
