Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
