A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
