I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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