Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
