Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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