i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
