Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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