im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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