i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
