Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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