youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
