dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
