Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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