True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
