I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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