Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
