Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
