I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
