super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
