It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
