Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
