Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
