My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
