I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize