Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
