the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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