somebody snuck up and got me drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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