OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we're making bets on your personal life
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
