You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
