Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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