I like to think it a success when the cops are called
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
