You're my little dorito
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
