I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Randomize
